Posted at 3:47 pm by SeaFoamGreen

	Creatively Gray November 12, 2009   02:50 AM PST   I sincerely doubt you'll get this, since you'd have to go back about 5 years to find it. If you do however look at this post, (unless your blogdrive cheats and has an email notification) then what I say still has validity and reason. I hope also it has compassion. I used to write most often when I was on some kind of strong painkiller... and go figure I hurt my back in a car accident so I'm on them again... and where to I end up... right back at the same place I used to write in. The circumstances have drastically changed, but the slightly obnoxious green grid has not (checkers scare me...). You are right about me having changed, and I don't know if everything about me has changed for the better. I have become a better arguer, and have even started winning arguments against my professors... I am also married and on my way to becoming a pastor. I think my focus will be on counseling but more specific.. but I don't need to go into details. The reasons I gave you when I broke up with you were the best pathetic excuses I thought would be the least painful, and perhaps they were the lesser of any evils I might have uttered. I closed myself off to any emotion the day I broke up with you, and wouldn't allow myself to feel anything, even up until recently I've been noticing the effects of that, so if you're still angry, you may take solace in my emotional disability. I broke up with you because 1. I did not think a long distance relationship would work 2. I didn't think I was good enough (or willing enough, to my shame) to be your eventual husband. 3. The reason I was unwilling, or perhaps cowardly concerning commitment, was that the pain I had experienced during our relationship was so incredibly painful and always present just beneath the surface of my mind, it was a struggle to ever trust anyone with anything emotional, much less a 5-6 year engagement. I usually do the best to think about what I say, and say what I mean. I was unable to do that the day I broke up with you, and even the time I saw you after that (when we got pizza) I was so closed up to my own feelings, I honestly couldn't tell you how I felt during the meeting... No, I felt in control of myself, and that gave me some comfort. Looking back on it, I have been crueler to you than I would have imagined, and wish that I could erase all hurts. I bear you no ill will for anything said and done, and wish only that I had been a better boy/man as your boyfriend and as your ex-boyfriend. I am worried that you reading this may tear open an old wound, but from my experience, old wounds being opened to heal correctly is always a good thing. I hope you faith is strong, as I pray mine is as well. I have learned many new terms about faith, and even halfway to reading Greek and Hebrew, but my faith and doubt are always as organic as I am. I have not told Stacy about this note, but if she were to ask, I would tell her, and I might tell her if I deem it necessary or beneficial; so you can rest assured of my intention for writing this note. This is not about rekindling any past feelings, but rather about reconciliation of selfish and heinous mistakes. So here is the crux of the matter: I am sorry for the pain I have caused you, and for the insecurity/instability/bafflement I may have left you with. If you did get this note... I would like to hear from you if possible. my cell number is still the same, and its on my what my dad calls "MyFace" or "SpaceBook" (Facebook). If you want to call or write and don't know what to say, just be honest, I initiation the awkward factor by contacting you (albeit sneakily) so you have no chance of being awkward in this (maybe slightly... but in a good way, I'm sure.) Be well, Creatively Gray

 

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