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The coldness (Bi-Polar)
What an evil thing. It's always around me, like a curse. It is a curse. The spell to reverse it, I have yet to find. My feelings are always dampered with the knowing of this cold. It will come for me again. The cold leaves at night, when I cry. I don't even stop to remember that it will come back again in the morning. A slap in the face to the ones who listen. I wake up refreshed, as if glad to be awakened from a bad dream. I throw my blanket of sorrow and pain off and start anew.
The fakeness
Something that I always must hold close, when I hate it so much. Everyday things are such a chore when I cannot be myself. Saying hello to people I know as they pass, putting on that fake smile that can look so real. I'll admit, the happiness I share in a good time is real, for the most part. Everyone hates holding back, knowing what they want to say will get them a slap in the face. I must put on this act for almost everyone that I communicate with. It is a good thing to have, yet is painfull.
The fear
What does one really have to be scared of? Rejection, resentment, pain, loneliness, yourself... These can all be overcome. Yes, I fear all of these things as well as most people do. I don't say that for me it's different, you'll never understand... because I'm not that naive. Everyone has fears that they will never say, they are too bold to admit them. As for me, I fear myself most of all. What happens in my mind, and how I effect other people I have always come to fear. This goes hand in hand with my Bi-polarness. I affect all of my fears, and I create them. That is why I fear myself the most. Rejection I can live with, as for loneliness... I don't know. In the past 4 years I have never been completly alone. Close, but there was always someone there. It will be hard, but I want to experience this type of fear the most because maybe then, I can overcome it. Then, I will be able to experience the happiness & selflessness I have never had.
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